my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
