Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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