i think my tv is drunk
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
