We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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