i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
