I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
