I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
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