I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize