Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
