I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
