she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
