i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
