Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
