Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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