Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
