I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
