haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize