Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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