It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
