Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
