I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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