The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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