I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
