I think I died a long time ago.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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