Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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