I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize