My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
