my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
