Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
