You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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