And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
