Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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