Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
