My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize