I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
