Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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