kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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