Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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