Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Randomize
