why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize