You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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