neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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