Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
