a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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