I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
