I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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