Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
We need to rekindle our bromance
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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