whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
