I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize