I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
