hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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