I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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