Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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