Are we in a gay sports bar?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
