don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
