She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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