My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
