I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
