Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
