Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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