So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
