Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
